SHOWDOWN AT THE OCAF CORRAL
(story by STAR OKC; script by Mark Alfred)
August-November, 1997
SCENE: Monthly meeting of OCAF. A banner raised above the proceedings reads,
Somewhere,
Somebody Is Having Fun . . .
Unless
We Stop Them!
Members are involved in various personal discussions, until the meeting is called to order by the CHAIRMAN.
CHAIRMAN:
This meeting of OCAF, Oklahomans Campaigning Against Fun, will come to order. We have a lot of undercover work going on . . .
The Chairman is interrupted by cries of outrage over the use of the word “undercover.” The word is whispered in shock loud enough for the audience to get the joke.
CHAIRMAN:
(continuing)
Let me rephrase myself, I apologize! The agenda for today’s meeting of OCAF, Old Coots And Farts, contains reports from various agents who have been infiltrating some suspicious goings-on. The science-fiction convention, SoonerCon, is one of those affairs, and . . .
More outraged interruption, this time over the use of the word “affair.” The Chairman placates the members once more.
CHAIRMAN:
(resuming once
more)
Sorry, sorry! This convention, SoonerCon, is just one of our topics for investigation. We are expecting the arrival of two spies. I sent them to bring us back a report on the degrading behavior of those sci-fi fanatics.
A chorus of
uncomfortable murmurs at the very idea of those nasty ol’ sci-fi fanatics.
CHAIRMAN:
But until their arrival, I call on Sergeant-At-Arms Glumjob to report on his SubCommittee’s activities.
The Chairman sits, and Sergeant-At-Arms Glumjob rises to the podium. His manner is similar to Patton reviewing his troops. He walks back and forth, snapping a riding crop into his palm or against his leg.
GLUMJOB:
All
right, boys and girls, listen up! The job was hard, but I rose to the occasion.
Outrage from
listeners over the words “hard” and “rose to the occasion.”
GLUMJOB:
(starting over)
I
mean, penetration of the enemy was difficult –
Use of
“penetration” elicits oven more shock.
GLUMJOB:
That
is, by using stool pigeons, we were able –
“Stool”? Mercy!
GLUMJOB:
Oh,
heck! I give up.
CHAIRMAN:
Thank you, Sergeant-At-Arms Glumjob. Submit your report in writing to the Screening Board, and they’ll sift through it to see if we can receive it without blushing.
Treasurer’s
Report, Treasurer Grubbuck?
GRUBBUCK:
(comes to podium)
Everything is going swimmingly. The latest check from Mammoth Studio’s Publicity Department has cleared the bank. The way is now clear to mount a protest of their latest movie, Alcoholic Slut Addicts. Make sure and save your receipts for all materials – poster boards, magic markers, sign paints – so we can be reimbursed by Mammoth Studios. Their Publicity Department suggests the usual protest march on Opening Night. Make sure to march only at the movie theatre closest to the TV studio, so the stations will have time to get footage for their 6 o’clock newscasts.
OCAF
MEMBER:
(waving paper)
What
about our last protest? I brought my receipts!
Other members
start waving receipts and saying, "Me too," "What about
me?", etc.
GRUBBUCK:
Very well. Everyone hand in your receipts, and I'll sift through them tonight and mail out checks tomorrow.
Members hand in their receipts as Grubbuck takes them. He casually looks over a couple of them and is surprised. He looks a little closer and reads one receipt – actually two, stapled together – and reads the name of who turned it in.
GRUBBUCK:
What's this? A receipt from the Petroleum Club? Sergeant Gumscrape? What's the meaning of this?
GUMSCRAPE:
(caught with his
hand in the cookie jar)
Umm,
well, this was a public-relations action to win support from a local media
outlet, sir.
GRUBBUCK:
(reading the
receipt stapled to the first one)
What?
Babette's Escort Service?
GUMSCRAPE:
(caught at last)
Um,
never mind, sir, I'll –
CHAIRMAN:
(interrupting)
Let me see that.
Grubbuck hands the receipts over, as Gumscrape futilely asks for them back. The Chairman examines the receipts closely, escpecially the one from Babette's Escort Service. He mutters aloud, not realizing the rest can hear him.
CHAIRMAN:
Hmm,
what's that phone number? The numbers are smudged. . .
GRUBBUCK:
Umm,
sir? I'm done with my report.
CHAIRMAN:
(returns to podium
as Grubbuck sits down, stuffing the receipts into a pocket)
Captain
Sadsight, your report on local comic-book stores.
SADSIGHT:
(comes to podium,
wearing a red T-shirt with The Flash’s zigzag lightning bolt)
Well, aside from our one success bankrupting that comic-book store selling Verotika, we haven’t been able to pin down any other specific transgressions of these degraded readers of “graphic literature,” as they call it. Still, the very name “graphic” –
Murmur of disquiet
from the others . . .
SADSIGHT:
(continuing)
I know, the very name is disturbing. I mean, sure they say that these characters are “Heroes.” But why do they have to wear these skintight costumes, I mean, really! Why can’t they all wear trenchcoats, like good ol’ Bogart? This Superguy is always bragging about his big “S” – and this Wonder Woman was obviously named after the Wonder Bra! And don’t get me started on things like “Spiderman” and “Spawn,” who were obviously given their names to remind impressionable adolescents of the nasty reproductive thing that also begins with “s-p” and rhymes with “worm.”
The biggest gasp of all, as the OCAF members figure out what Sadsight is getting at – sperm! (*gasp*choke*)
SADSIGHT:
(really on a roll
now)
And the worst part of all, were the tables all covered with boxes upon boxes filled with what they call – “back issues”!
CHAIRMAN:
(interrupting for
clarification)
You
don’t mean, as in “Baby got back”? Horrors!
SADSIGHT:
(continuing)
All I know, is that anything that they have to seal in plastic bags and put prices of five dollars or more on, can’t be just “clean wholesome entertainment,” as they claim! These aren’t harmless funnybooks, they constitute a whole subversive underground culture, whose high priests are called “Fanboys.”
CHAIRMAN:
And don’t forget a couple of years ago, when their “Superman” died “to save his people,” and his tomb was found – empty – as published in a comic that was sold on Easter Week! You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence!
SADSIGHT:
Thank
you, Chairman. My point exactly.
CHAIRMAN:
Thank you, Captain Sadsight. The whole membership of OCAF, Omniscient Censors of Artistic Freedom, salutes you! By the way, haven’t I seen that emblem on your shirt somewhere else before?
SADSIGHT:
(he’s been caught)
What? Umm, this? Oh, it’s – it’s protective coloration, so I won’t be suspected! In my mind, it symbolizes the Crack of Doom on all those nasty readers of comic books!
CHAIRMAN:
(buys it)
Oh. Well, then. That’s all right. Well, since our spies are late returning from this “SoonerCon,” I’ll just describe a little of the evil activities that they’ve been sent to investigate.
CHAIRMAN:
(reads from a
scroll. At each item he reads, the members are audibly shocked.)
ITEM: SoonerCon displays movies that are not G-rated. It even boasts of showing cartoons with such titles as Dirty Pair.
ITEM: SoonerCon features a Dealer’s Room, filled with more of those dirty plastic-wrapped magazines and comic books, along with merchants selling leather garments, whips, and chains! Even worse, some of their merchants sell bumper stickers expressing disrespect for government!
ITEM: SoonerCon encourages its attendees to deviate from normal dress, even awarding prizes for strange outfits. Previous conventions have featured young, nubile, luscious adolescents girls, wearing very little covering for their, umm, –
CHAIRMAN:
(sets down the
scroll and wipes his brow)
I
think you get the idea.
ITEM: Worst of all, the whole point of the entire experience appears to be the absolute glorification of unfettered communication!
Gasps of horror!
CHAIRMAN:
–
Freedom of expression!
Shrieks of
outrage!
CHAIRMAN:
(saving the worst
for last)
–Independent
thought!
Several members faint in mortification. Others try to fan them back to awareness.
An OCAF member enters from offstage and whispers to Chairman. Or, alternately, an intercom or phone can inform the Chairman.
CHAIRMAN:
(placating the
masses)
Ladies and gentlemen! Friends! The high point of our meeting has arrived! Our spies have returned from SoonerCon!
Let me warn you, however. They have had to take on some protective coloration, you might call it, to “blend in” with those evildoers. So have no fear, although their appearance might seem dreadful, they are still loyal members of OCAF, the Obedient Confederates Attracted to Fascism.
Attired in appropriate fannish garb, the two OCAF spies enter. Male and female they are (one of each). Maybe one is covered with buttons, maybe one is carrying a backpack with the sticker “My Other Car Is a Tardis,” etc. They look like normal con-goers, which makes them look like Hellspawn to the members of OCAF, who react in horror at the spies’ advent.
CHAIRMAN:
Welcome back to the loving arms of your brothers and sisters, Sister Sneak and Brother Byplay. I regret that you cannot change out of those indecent outfits. The only thing worse than your appearance now – would be your appearance with nothing on!
Multiple gasps at
the very idea.
CHAIRMAN:
I
see you have a brochure from the gathering.
SISTER
SNEAK:
(handing SoonerCon
Pocket Program to Chairman)
Yes, sir. This little schedule is called a “Pocket Program,” with a schedule for events at the convention.
CHAIRMAN:
(reads various
items from P.P. and they report on each item)
Umm,
this – this “Anime Room,” what is this?
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
Well,
sir, these are cartoon movies . . .
CHAIRMAN:
(interrupting
eagerly)
You
mean, like Tom and Jerry? Bugs Bunny?
SISTER
SNEAK:
Well,
not really, sir. These are action adventures, with villains and heroes.
CHAIRMAN:
(reading the fine
print from the P.P.)
And, what’s this about anime? It might feature strong language or situations? What kind of cartoons are these?
SISTER
SNEAK:
(respectfully but
earnestly)
Uhh, sir, Brother Byplay and I sat through a couple of these anime movies. These are – they’re serious cartoons.
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
But they’re also fun, sir. Still, the folks who make these are just trying to tell a story with human fears and emotions, only using the cartoon format.
CHAIRMAN:
Pish-tosh!
who would use a common, popular artform to express something artistic or noble?
SISTER
SNEAK:
(can’t resist)
Umm, sir? What about the “Star-Spangled Banner”? Wasn’t that melody used as a drinking song before it was put to Key’s words?
CHAIRMAN:
(changes the
subject quickly)
And what’s this business with “Hall Costumes”? I can imagine some of the outlandish goings-on!
Chairman chuckles,
followed by the members "following the leader.”
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
Well, sir, at first glance Sister Sneak and I were put off by some of the wild costumes worn by some of the convention attendees. So we talked to someone wearing a ribbon from the convention, a member of the “ConComm,” they call it.
SISTER
SNEAK:
She said we should just look at it like “Halloween for grownups.” She explained that, just as children like to play dress-up, sometimes adults might wish they were more like a fictional hero, and try to identify with that hero’s good qualities.
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
For example, someone in a Star Trek uniform might wish that different races of Earth could get along so well as the various aliens in the United States, I mean, the United Federation of Worlds.
SISTER
SNEAK:
(correcting him)
Planets.
The United Federation of Planets.
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
Yeah,
right.
CHAIRMAN:
But
– but this is all childish fantasy!
SISTER
SNEAK:
Well, sir, I don’t want to contradict you, but one of the attendees I talked to is a member of the Police Department.
Chairman and several members do double-takes. A respected community member, one of those wackos?
SISTER
SNEAK:
(continuing)
He told me that when he was a child, he watched Cowboys and Indians on TV, and this made him want to become a lawman when he grew up.
CHAIRMAN:
A
laudable goal. Help the helpless and apprehend the miscreant!
SISTER
SNEAK:
And his daughter, similarly, was inspired to become a doctor through a TV show. Now she’s in her third year of medical school.
CHAIRMAN:
How
touching! What television program was her inspiration! Marcus Welby? Medical
Center?
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
(deadpan)
Umm,
it was Doctor McCoy, on Star Trek.
CHAIRMAN:
(waving a hand in
the air)
Enough
of that silly story. Tell us about the dirty magazines in this, this “Dealer’s
Room.”
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
Dirty
magazines, sir?
CHAIRMAN:
All wrapped up in plastic, like those magazines I buy at the Pak’n’Sak! I mean, that they sell at the Pak ' n ' Sak! Dirty magazines!
SISTER
SNEAK:
(as if to a
six-year-old)
Umm,
excuse me, sir? They wrap the comics in bags so they won’t get dirty.
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
I know what he means, Sis.
No, sir, those are merely old “back issues” of comic books and magazines. When they were first published, they were treated as worthless, disposable consumer items. That rarity makes them more valuable to collectors.
SISTER
SNEAK:
(helpfully)
Sort
of like your collection of old beer-bottle caps, sir?
CHAIRMAN:
(insulted)
What? How dare you liken my character-building hobby to the frivolous carryings-on of these miscreants? I work long and hard, emptying those bottles . . .
Chairman’s voice
trails off as he realizes how that sounds.
CHAIRMAN:
Thank you, Brother Byplay and Sister Sneak, for that chilling account of the depths of depredation at this SoonerCon. I'm sure that none of us wish to allow our children to be influenced by such demonic surroundings.
SISTER
SNEAK:
Actually,
sir, it –
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
–
it wasn't that bad, really.
SISTER
SNEAK:
Y'know,
it was kind of refreshing to hear someone else's point of view about things.
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
Maybe
these people aren't so bad after all.
CHAIRMAN:
(shocked out of
his gourd)
You
don't mean to imply that these deviant behaviors could be the result of
something like – like an honest difference of opinion or beliefs? Everyone
knows that any thought not endorsed by OCAF, Oklahomans Choosing to Act
Foolishly, is evil by definition! If they don't submit to our authority, then
they are evil! EVIL! E V I L ! ! !
At this foam-at-the-mouth performance, the various members of OCAF look at each other and whisper concerning the sanity (?) of the Chairman. One member after another gets up and makes his statement.
MEMBERS:
–
Gosh, it's getting late.
–I
think this SoonerCon deserves more in-depth inspection.
–What
did you say the costumes were like?
–That
movie room sounds interesting.
–You
know, I used to read Sugar & Spike comics.
SISTER
SNEAK:
Hey guys, if you want to follow us, we're going back to SoonerCon. I think the Costume Contest is on now.
BROTHER
BYPLAY:
Sure!
Just follow us.
CHAIRMAN:
What? Come back! Oh, yes, I see it now! You're all turning against me. I mean, against OCAF. What about our group? What about our goals? What about society's need for supervision? What about the evils of science fiction?
GLUMJOB:
(waving his riding
crop in the air)
Sir?
Censor yourself!
The rest of the OCAF members follow him offstage, leaving only the Chairman to stand at the podium, head in hands.
CHAIRMAN:
(to himself)
Gone, gone, it's all gone. They've followed the siren call of comic books and movies, and – Wait a minute! That's it! It's a brilliant plan! Sure, I'll let 'em read anything they want, but only after it's been rated! And who'll rate the nasty stuff? Someone decent, moral, outstanding – like me!
Yes! For a price, I'll read their dirty books! And I'll rate the comic books like the movies! And the TV shows! Yes! I'll demand to preview all the TV shows, and suggest ratings!
Oh, the glory! THE CONTROL! THE POWER! Today the Media, tomorrow the nation!
THE END
Well, whatdya think?
No comments:
Post a Comment